Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
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Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
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There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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