Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
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He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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