we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
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We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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