Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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