last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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