i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
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Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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