Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize