where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
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FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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