I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
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I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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