My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
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Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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