my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize