Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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