I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
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I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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