I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cock deserves a montage
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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