dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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