Texts From Last Night

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  (650): View more from California

  I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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  (650): I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs. http://tfl.nu/bo8w
  Replies (7) Good night (1529) Bad night (449) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.

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  (216): i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers. http://tfl.nu/za5f
  Replies (37) Good night (2752) Bad night (420)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.

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  (814): First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half. http://tfl.nu/df8e
  Replies (27) Good night (4214) Bad night (919) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive

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  (571): I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive http://tfl.nu/mms9
  Replies (10) Good night (5143) Bad night (753) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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  (858): I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits" http://tfl.nu/l1ei
  Replies (29) Good night (4936) Bad night (1363) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.

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  (573): officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street. http://tfl.nu/ajuf
  Replies (12) Good night (3236) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.

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  (814): If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know. http://tfl.nu/ag02
  Replies (7) Good night (2116) Bad night (1522) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

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  (989): A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz http://tfl.nu/g5b4
  Replies (6) Good night (2471) Bad night (889) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer

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  (410): The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer http://tfl.nu/0sxh
  Replies (5) Good night (1411) Bad night (873)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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  (225): If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place. http://tfl.nu/rizd
  Replies (15) Good night (1337) Bad night (512) Order T-Shirt
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.

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  (787): I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers. http://tfl.nu/zztx
  Replies (1) Good night (505) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.

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  (614): Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love. http://tfl.nu/irrq
  Replies (7) Good night (934) Bad night (350) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital

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  (845): You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital http://tfl.nu/w35x
  Replies (7) Good night (649) Bad night (340)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

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  (208): Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often http://tfl.nu/tod9
  Replies (3) Good night (1016) Bad night (213) Order T-Shirt
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!

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  (618): I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!! http://tfl.nu/uufd
  Replies (4) Good night (571) Bad night (225)

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