Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
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I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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