Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
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i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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