He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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