girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Two words: blizzard sex
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize