we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
a search helicopter?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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