Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
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So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
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You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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