don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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