Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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