The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
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We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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