He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
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I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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