I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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