dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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