my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize