I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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