I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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