you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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