if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
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I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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