Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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