My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize