I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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