I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this boner is exhausting
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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