she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
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I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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