i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize