He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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