I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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