Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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