So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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