I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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