I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
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