It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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