Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
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You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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