barbara walters just said penis...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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