We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
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Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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