What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
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